I Don't Think There Is A Woman

I Was Going To Get An Abortion The Other Day. I Totally Wanted An Abortion. And It Turns Out I Was Just Thirsty.

I Don't Think Comedy Comes From Hotbeds Of Doing Shtick. I Think It Usually Comes From Some Kind Of Childhood Humiliation Or Darkness.

I Commend You On All You've Done For Peta, Wrestling The One-eyed Trouser Snake With Your Bare Hands, Gently Cuddling It In Your Arms, And Nurturing It Back To Health.

I Don't Really Care For Like Fat Jokes About Women, Specifically.

In Your Twenties, I Think You Should Have All Of The Sex That You're Inclined To Have, As Long As You're Safe About It. Use Condoms And Everything. Go With Your Instincts. This Is The Time To Have A Lot Of Sex And Do Drugs. But Make Sure You Live Through It.