I'm A Professional Comic. Whether You Think

The Best Thing About Me Is There Are No Skeletons.

I'd Say 95 Percent Of My Audience Was White. They Were Mostly Kind Of Older Hipster Folks Like Myself.

James Lipton: The Most Pompous Arrogant Failure In History.

I'm Going To Keep Talking About What I Think Is Interesting For My Entire Career. If You Want To Hear About How Women Do A Lot Of Shoe Shopping Or How Being Married Sucks, Go See The Guy Who Does Jokes About That. But If You Come To See My Live Show, There's Going To Be 20 Minutes On Religion For The Rest Of My Life, Probably. If That Makes Me A Caricature, So Be It.

I Do Believe That On A Whole, Women Are Definitely Smarter Than Men... I Also Believe That Dogs Are Smarter Than Women. No? That One, You Don't Believe It? You Believe That I Didn't Do A Series Of Tests? You Are Right To Not Believe It, Because I'm Going To Go Ahead And Admit That I Do Not Believe What I Just Said, It Was What's Described As A 'joke.' Um, I'll Be Telling A Bunch Of Them Here Tonight.