I Was Going To Start Off Tonight

You Could Do Anything In Your Room At College. You Could Smoke Pot, Live In A Coed Dorm, Have A Girl. But You Couldn't Have A . . . Hot Plate!

To Give You An Idea How Bad The American Economy Is, Mexico Is Now Calling For A Fence Along The Border. Stay On Your Side!

A New Study Finds That Women Use Their Whole Brain When Listening And Men Only Use Half Of Their Brain. You See, Men Use The Other Half Of Their Brain To Come Up With Excuses. I Don't Think Women Use Their Whole Brain When Listening. I Think They Use Half Of It And The Other Half Is Used To Memorize What Men Are Saying So They Can Use It Against Them 10 Years Later!

President Obama Was In India Yesterday Visiting Our Jobs. Tomorrow He Goes To China To Visit Our Money.

John Kerry Announced That He And His Wife Are Leaving On A Week-long Vacation. He's Going To Take Her Back To The Place Where He First Proposed To Her - At Her Bank.